


Take Me Home

by sheroars



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Domestic Fluff, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Slice of Life, Squad as family, Times are Changing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-18 19:54:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14859228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheroars/pseuds/sheroars
Summary: She took a deep breath and held it."Do you think I should retire, Rafael?"





	1. Thoughts

Her bed smelled like lavender and it made him tingle head to toe. It was hot and disgustingly humid outside. Thunder was rumbling in the distance. A storm was brewing but her apartment was oddly quiet and cold. Cold enough to keep him between her legs, listening to her catch her breath and kiss his neck as every muscle in his body gradually unclenched. God, she was too much. Third time in one night? Third. Definitely more than twice. More than he should be able to. Fuck. 

 

"Is that…?" She stopped suddenly, falling against the pillows and squinting at the ceiling. He pushed up on an elbow and turned to see what she was looking at.

 

"Oh. Yeah." Her bra was precariously dangling from the ceiling fan. He looked back at her. They erupted into laughter. It echoed off the ceiling and out the half cracked window. One of her neighbors knocked on the wall, not so subtlety reminding them of the time. She slipped her hand around the back of his neck and pulled him back down against her chest. He returned her amorous kisses and filled his hands with her skin, hitching her legs further up on his waist to slide his palms up the back of her thighs. She squeezed him with all four limbs and gasped for breath as he drug his tongue down her neck and nipped at her shoulder.

 

"Fuck." She rasped. His gut jumped and he groaned. She felt him wince against her neck. "What?" She giggled.

 

"I need you to tone it down right now or we're gonna have problems." He mumbled between kisses. 

 

"Problems?" She raised an eyebrow. He pulled away altogether.  

 

"I won't be able to walk tomorrow." She giggled, flexing her thighs and pinning him on his back. She hitched a leg over his hip and looked down at him with a smile, dropping a few playful kisses on his lips as she braced her hands on his chest. Her hair fell around them like a curtain. "Have mercy, nena."  _Baby girl_. He groaned. She rolled her eyes and draped herself over him entirely, tilting his chin up slightly to kiss and nuzzle at his neck and chest, soothing a hicky she had accidentally pressed on his pec earlier.

 

"Couldn't if I wanted to." She stretched her legs out against his, sighing and grinning as her cheek dropped to his shoulder. She had lost knots of tension she didn't know she had. Her pulse was still pounding in her ears but the endorphins were kicking in. He finally relaxed and turned soft, wrapping his arms around her. He cradled her to his chest and kissed at her hairline, turning them on their sides so they could look at each other and share a pillow. She tilted her chin up for another kiss as the rain started to fall. He stroked her face.

 

She bit his lip and them pulled away with a smirk, slipping out of bed to close and latch the window. She left the curtains open and used the dim lights to retrieve her bra and clean up a little. She showered, washing everything but her hair and filling the apartment with lavender and sandalwood. It made his eyes droop. He took his turn in the bathroom before sliding back into bed with her, kissing a slow path up her gloriously naked spine. "Hi." She smiled as he reached her shoulder, lying halfway on top of her as he brushed his lips across her cheek.

 

"Hi." His grin was borderline dopey as they lay there. She hooked an ankle around his and slipped her arm beneath his to hold him closer.

 

"Thank you for staying." She said, rubbing circles on the small of his back. "I didn’t want to be alone."

 

"Of course." He stroked her hair and searched her face. The swelling on her cheekbone and lip had gone down but the bruise on her cheek was still a fresh shade of purple. Butterfly tape covered a small laceration above her eyebrow. There was a brace wrapped around her right wrist and another bruise on her rib cage from catching a few punches from a pimp with rings on. "Mami offered to keep Noah till tomorrow night."

 

"I owe him McDonalds and a trip to the zoo." He snickered. 

 

"Owe him?"   

 

"The face and the limp freaked him out a little."

 

"Uh oh."

 

"To be fair, I looked a little grotesque before Lucia came over to get him. Took a long nap after they left." She mumbled around a yawn. He nuzzled against the top of her head.

 

"You're so beautiful."

 

"Were your eyes closed? When I turned on the light in the bathroom just now I almost peed a little bit. Poor bitch in the mirror is looking _rough._ " He snorted

 

"Shut up." He trailed his fingers across the edge of the bandages and the tender skin around her bruise. He let his thumb trace the curve of her ear before giving it a tweak. She smiled again, letting her eyes fall shut as his fingers plunged into her hair to gently work out tangles and massage her scalp. "What did the doctor tell you? Do you need to take anything?" 

 

"Mmmmm I'll need another dose of pain meds in a bit. And I shouldn't sleep on the bruises." The guy must have been right handed. It was her left side that had been battered around. She normally slept on her right so sleeping wouldn't be too hard. 

 

"I'll get it." He slipped away again, going to the kitchen for a glass of water and the pill bottle. She took her medicine and settled down again, barely able to keep her eyes open. She drew his arm around herself, playing with his fingers and leaning back against his chest.

 

"I'm sorry if I scared you."

 

"You didn’t." He said unconvincingly. She took a deep breath and held it.

 

"Do you think I should retire, Rafael?" He squeezed her hand. His mind reeled. 

 

"I think you haven't slept in three days." She laughed lightly. 

 

"You're right." The rain and the window picked up, slapping against the windows. He curled a leg up, nudging a thigh between hers. There was something about the way she was lying in her arms that felt serious. Pensive. The past three days had been incredibly physically demanding and emotionally intense and he could tell that she was feeling something new. Something strange. He probably hadn't helped any by coming over and immediately following her to bed.

 

"What are you feeling?" He asked. 

 

"Like I'm carrying bowling balls in my stomach."

 

"You should rest. Let's get breakfast in the morning. Somewhere quiet. We can talk. Well…you can talk and I'll listen." She giggled.    

 

"Oh you'll talk alright." She brought his hand up and kissed the back of his wrist. "I'm sure you have an opinion."

 

"Not the point."

 

"I know." He pulled his hand free to pull the covers up when he felt her shiver. He traced circles on her hip. A flash of lightening briefly illuminated the room. Thunder momentarily drowned out the sounds of their breathing.  

 

"Things always make more sense in the daylight." He said in her ear as the storm began to blow itself out. "But how long have you been thinking about this?"  

 

"Awhile." She admitted. She turned on her back, kissed the corner of his mouth. "Would you still love me if I changed everything?"

 

"More than anything in the world. You could never change enough to change that, Benson."      


	2. Weights

She woke a little after dawn out of habit…and because she never shut the curtains the night before.

 

The day's first rays of dim gray light woke her up slowly. She blinked and stretched, rubbing her eyes and exhaling slowly as she tested the stiffness in her side. He had rolled away in his sleep. She spooned up to his back and closed her eyes again, content to drift for awhile longer. It had only been six or so hours since they had fallen asleep but she was feeling oddly rested. And peaceful. She slipped her arm around his waist under the covers and pressed her face against the back of his neck. She curled her legs behind his and shimmied deeper under the covers, effectively sealing herself into a cocoon of warmth. Rafael must have sensed her moving because he sighed and leaned back against her. 

 

"You okay?" He asked hoarsely.    

 

"Mmmhmm."

 

"Take another pill." He reminded her sleepily. She did. She was too lazy to get out of bed and close the curtains so she pulled the duvet up over their heads. He laughed as he rolled over, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and planting loud kisses all over her cheek and neck until she was bubbling over with laughter and squirming away for air. They took their time getting out of bed and getting ready.

 

He leaned on the doorjamb of the bathroom while he buttoned a cuffed short sleeve shirt and watched her carefully wash her face and craft makeup to cover up the bruising. She reapplied bandages where needed and examined her rib cage, making sure nothing had worsened. She unstrapped the brace on her wrist to wash away an itch and test the sprain. He bit his lip and felt his blood start to boil as the reality of the previous day settled in. Two men had gotten the drop on her and Carisi during a sting. There were finger shaped bruises on her arm that he hadn't seen before.

 

"Nothing hurts anymore. Just stiff." She said, reading the distress in his posture as she rewrapped her wrist. She kicked off her sweatpants and replaced them with jeans. "What are you in the mood for? I kind of want pancakes."

 

"There's a new place near my mom's. Old fashion diner style."

 

"Perfect." She smiled and his heart skipped a beat.

 

They stepped out to an overcast city. The cloud coverage afforded them a break from the early summer heat. Olivia hailed a cab with one hand and held on to him with the other. He linked their fingers. She leaned on his shoulder as they headed out to Bronx with the windows down.

 

"How are you feeling?" He asked.

 

"Tethered." She said. "Back on the ground." She looked like she was searching for words so he waited. She rested her head on his shoulder until they made it to Bronx. They were some of the first brunch customers of the day. They sat in a booth next to the windows and ordered black coffee, orange juice, and pancakes with bacon and hash browns. "I got a job offer." She said after the waiter brought them their drinks.

 

"Surely this isn't the first time that's happened."

 

"No." She smiled a little bashfully. "But it's the first time it's been…seriously tempting." She admitted, suddenly blinking back a few tears. Their breakfast plates came.

 

"Talk me through it." He said. She inhaled sharply, nodding and willing herself to calm down.

 

"Finn's leaving. Retiring. We've been talking about it a lot though. He had a close call and…he's been saying a lot of things that make a lot of sense."

 

"Like what?"

 

"Like really committing to being in his son's life. His grandson's life. Despite our best efforts, what we're doing really isn't it."

 

"You're hardly an absentee parent, Olivia."

 

"I know." She chewed thoughtfully. "But there's promises I can't make that other parents do almost every day. And lately…it hurts in a way that it hasn't before. He's getting older. He's asking more questions. He needs me even more. It hurts him. Lucy is so incredible and he loves her but-" Rafael nodded his understanding. "I want to promise that I'll be home for dinner. I've never been able to do that."

 

"That makes sense." He assured her. "What else?" 

 

"I've got more SVU applicants on my desk than ever. Good ones. Fantastic ones really." She smiled again. The far away look in her eyes disappeared. 

 

"That's amazing."

 

"Amanda passed the sergeant's exam with flying colors."

 

"Good for her."

 

"A former vic got in touch with me last week. She was in college when she was assaulted but she managed to face her rapists in court and graduate with honors in the same year. Really remarkable young woman. She and some of her fellow alumni started this place called Carnation House."

 

"I've heard of them. They were just in the paper. Here in Bronx, right?"

 

"Inwood. Literally the last street in Manhattan. But they see a lot of women from Bronx. They're doing counseling, rehabilitation, housing, resource programming, job training, childcare, healthcare…they're doing it all and they're doing it _so_ well. She told me there would always be a spot for me if I wanted it, but this position opened up. Education Director. Counseling victims through legal recourse and helping them look at all their options, coordinating aftercare and support resources, and then there's this community outreach initiative. They go into a lot of schools and talk about consent, sexual health, and basic self defense stuff. Students, teachers, administration, they're doing all of it."

 

"You're lighting up when you talk about it." He pointed out, putting his chin in his hand and grinning.

 

"Am I?"

 

"Oh yah." He snickered. "It sounds incredible, Liv. And it's something you would be incredible at. It's not out of left field or anything. It makes sense for this to be appealing to you right now." She looked mildly relieved by his confirmation. 

 

"It's 9-5. Normal. Pay is a little less but I'd get pension-"

 

"Forget that for a second. Keep going."

 

"With what?"

 

"What else makes you think about retiring? The last time someone suggested it you almost immediately broke up with him." She short him a look over her coffee mug. He snorted into his own. "Sorry."

 

"No, you're right. It's changed." It had been quite some time since Ed Tucker made her consider her career with the NYPD, but it had lingered longer than she cared to admit. "I'm tired of getting hurt." She admitted softly, stealing some bacon off his plate. It all started to come out in a rush. "I'm really tired of getting hurt. I'm tired of hospitals. Court appearances. I'm sick of missing my own son and scheduling time to be with you even though we all live in the same damn apartment. I'm…really tired of feeling like I'm fighting a losing battle." She twirled her fork before putting it down.

"I can't do the office politics anymore. It's so bad. But when you're a Lieutenant it's almost 50 percent of the job. Dodds hates me. I'm sleep deprived and constantly worried about my own health. And…I'm tired of being complicit to something so big and dangerous. NYPD is-" She stopped and started a half dozen times. "Everyday I go to work with men and women who promised to serve and protect and do the opposite and the brass would rather hand out promotions and service awards than pink slips. Except when it suits them. You remember what they did to Nick?" He nodded. Of course. She had never gotten over it. "I thought if I just kept doing good work it would be okay. But it's not. Nothing about it feels okay anymore. I just feel so heavy and worried." He reached for her hand across the table. She gave it to him. "I sound fucking crazy."

 

"You don't." He promised. "You've given more years than most. You've done better work than most. But life changes. People change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not so much." She squeezed his hand. 

 

"Do you think I should I retire?" She asked again. He thought for a moment, drawing circles on her scraped up knuckles with his thumb.

 

"I could ramble for a day and a half about how much I agree with you, but we can circle back to that." She smiled again, amused. "Does anything about the job make you feel happy? Fulfilled?"

 

"Fin. Rollins and Carisi." She answered immediately. "Winning a trial. My record."

 

"I think…that's such a small portion of what you get to do everyday. I think you've just listed far more and far better reasons to leave. And nothing about leaving the job would take those good things away from you. You'll still have these people and this history." The weight of the decision began to settle over her. She swallowed, visibly nervous. A waitress brought them more coffee. He cupped her hand between his own, nervous for her.

 

"What do I do?" She asked.     

 

"Nothing like this happens over night. Maybe you learn more about Carnation House. Interview for the job. Shop for other options." Practical measures and baby steps seemed to soothe her.

 

"It's terrifying." She said softly. "I don't even know how to act without a badge and a gun. Will anything about me be the same?" His heart broke a little bit. 

 

"When I look at you I don't see a badge or a gun. I just see you, Olivia. You are so much more and so much better than a job title. Do you want to know what that's like?"

 

"I do."

 

"I think that's telling." He squeezed her hand. She sighed. 

 

"You're right." She said.  

 

"I used to flip coins." He signaled for the check. "But I found myself rooting for one side over the other…it took a few people to point out that I was making my choice, regardless of how the quarter fell." She sighed and took one last long drink of coffee, slightly exhausted by the conversation but somehow motivated. Invigorated.

 

"I should talk to Munch. And Cragen too."

 

"Good idea. But for now, I think we could both benefit from a trip to the zoo, don't you?"

 

"Noah's been dying to hang out with you. God, Lucia is probably exhausted." He shrugged. 

 

"She doesn't feel normal human emotions, but if she could-" Olivia snorted and kicked him under the table. They decided to walk the handful of blocks to his mother's apartment. She wrapped an arm around his waist and pressed a kiss to his cheek at a crosswalk.   

 

"You make everything easier." He had the audacity to look bashful at the complement. "Recently." She added. He laughed and shrugged.     


	3. Fears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: descriptions of panic/panic attacks

Her phone woke them all up around 3 am. Noah yawned and rolled over, whacking Rafael in the face with one of the two massive stuffed animals he had brought to their bed. Olivia winced and took her phone out of the room, slipping out from underneath their slightly overheated nest. The cold floor was a shock. She fumbled out of the bedroom and into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her and sitting on the floor in the dark.

 

"Hello?" She answered, swallowing a jaw-cracking yawn. She felt her head spinning so she rested her forehead on her knee.

 

"Hey Liv. We caught a vic. Possibly a second. I'm at Mercy with Rollins." Fin said softly.

 

"Everything okay?" 

 

"We had a scuffle between some parents but we shut it down pretty fast. Hold up-" There was some shuffling and talking in the background. "Carisi's on his way. Vic number one is ready to talk it out. She says it's a long story. We're gonna take her to the station. You want us to wait on you?" Olivia stomach lurched suddenly and cold dread washed down her spine. A dry heave forced its way up her throat.

 

"I'm gonna be sick." She mumbled. "Fuck."

 

"Liv? You okay?"

 

"I don't-" She choked. Hot tears spilled over her cheeks, seemingly out of nowhere. She shut her eyes and started to rock herself back and forth. 

 

"You sound like shit. Let me take this."

 

"Okay." She breathed, tasting bile in the back of her throat. "Okay. Thank you. I don't know what's wrong with me."

 

"Don't worry about it. Is your man home?"

 

"Yah." She barked out a raspy laugh.

 

"Go back to bed."

 

"Keep me updated."

 

"Don't worry about it, Liv. I'm here." He said again. "Take it easy." He hung up. Just in time for her to empty her stomach in the toilet.

 

She cried.

 

The door to the bathroom open and shut, nothing but a soft click alerting her to Rafael's presence. She was too far gone to pull herself together. He swore softly under his breath, fumbling and feeling for her in the pitch dark. He held her hair as she dry heaved. Wet a washcloth. Helped her clean up. She spit several times and gasped for air.

 

"Okay. Okay, okay. C'mere. Slow down." He whispered, sitting down in the narrow spot between her and the tub, drawing her against his chest. She braced her hands on his knees, barely suppressing a sob. "Slow down, baby." He stuttered out, equally shaken. He pressed a hand to her chest to keep her upright. He cupped her forehead and tilted her head back against his shoulder. She was shivering and sweaty. He rocked them back and forth mindlessly until the trembling and the sobbing passed.

 

"Sorry…" She hiccuped. The hand on her forehead slipped down to cover her eyes. Then to cup her chin. 

 

"Hush." He pulled her hair to the side and kissed the back of her neck, wrapping his arms fully around her and holding her tightly until she was calm.

 

"I need to brush my teeth." She mumbled.

 

"Can you stand?" She nodded, using him and the toilet seat to get to her feet. He steadied her and stroked her back as she positioned herself in front of the sink. "I'll put Noah to bed." As quickly as he came, he was gone. She felt numb. Nothing felt real. She brushed her teeth. Used too much mouth wash. Gulped down water from the sink tap. She started to shiver as she finally made her way to the bedroom. He was sitting on the edge of the bed. He had turned on a lamp but had draped a grey tee shirt over the shade to keep the room just light enough to see. There were clean clothes waiting for her. She stripped down to her underwear and put on one of his soft flannel shirts. He stood up and pulled back the covers, gently guiding her back to bed.

 

"I'm sorry." She said again, buckling under the covers and wrapping her arms around herself.

 

"What happened?" He got into bed behind her, pressing his fingers into her right shoulder blade and drawing firm circles. 

 

"Finn...two vics at Mercy Hospital but-" She closed her eyes again. "I…" She shivered again, stomach turning so hard she nearly doubled over. "I panicked. I don't know-"

 

"It's okay. Deep breath." He whispered. "Deep breath." He pressed his thumb to the top notch of her spine and drew firm, soothing lines down to the small of her back. "You're okay. You're right here. I'm right here. Noah's right down the hall. We're okay." He rambled. He repeated himself a few times. She pressed her face into the pillow and cried awhile longer. He kept talking. Kept stroking her back. Massaging out the kinks.   

 

"I don't know what's happening."

 

"I think you had a panic attack." He said. Something in her chest sank. It had been so long since the last one…

 

"Why now?" 

 

"Don't do that." He grunted, passing her a tissue. "It happened. You need to wind down." She wiped her cheeks and blew her nose.

 

"Shit."

 

"I know." He leaned over her, kissing her temple. He turned off the light but stayed close to her. "I love you." She frowned, trying hard not to dissolve into tears again. How was he so unfazed? She rolled over so she could press her face up against his chest and wrap her arm him. He kissed the top of her head and stroked her hair. "Just breathe." How could she, when the thought of going to work suddenly had her falling to pieces?  

 

"My head hurts." She said, cringing at the sound of her own voice. Pathetic.  

 

"Can I get you something?"

 

"Stay." She said, swallowing hard. "Please." He slipped an arm under her pillow so he could hold her properly, pressing her firmly against his chest.  

 

She wasn't sure when she fell asleep, but when she woke up he was stretching in his sleep. His knees knocked against hers under the covers. She found herself staring up at his face, letting the uncomfortable memories of the night before flicker through her mind for a moment. God. Once the embarrassment faded she felt a wave of an affection breaking over her entire body. This man. Fuck. She shifted up and held his cheek in her hand, kissing his closed eyelids and warm cheeks and cold chin until he was blinking awake. He was bleary and confused but he held her still and kissed her lips. He pushed her hair out of her face and kissed her again. 

 

"Liv?"

 

"I need you."                

                               


	4. Beliefs

The sun was rising. Her eyes were so bright and clear he could have fallen into them and her kisses were so deep he almost forgot about how scared they both were a few hours ago. 

 

She fell on to her back, pulling him with her. On top of her. Trapped between her thighs he could do little else but gasp for air between kisses. She undulated beneath him, throwing her head back and groaning when the pressure hit where she needed it. She pressed down on the small of his back and he bore down, his own hips stuttering as they began to build something. Winding up tighter and tighter. Her hands fisted in his shirt before jerking the garment upwards. He threw the shirt out of the way and suckled her throat.

 

"Okay?" He asked breathlessly.

 

"Yah." She flashed a smile. He kissed it with as much tenderness as he could manage, snapping the elastic of her underwear before pushing his fingers past it. "Baby…" She breathed, breaking out into a full grin as he stroked her. His touch was light and playful and felt…so damn good. God. She was flying. She groaned and he bit at her neck, making her knees reflexively close around his arm. Her back arched. She pulled his hand away and put the two fingers he had been touching her with in her own mouth as she shimmied out of her underwear.

 

"Shit." Her tongue flicked between his knuckles. His pupils were blown and it made her stomach clenched. She sat up.

 

He shimmied out of the way, leaning back against the headboard as she straddled him. She rolled herself against his thigh and fought the urge to close her eyes. She did it again, whimpering a little. He ripped open the flannel button down and pushed it off her shoulders, pressing his mouth to the tops of her breasts and palming them hard before tilting his chin up. She licked deeply into his mouth, fingers scrambling against his shoulders as they finally lined up. "I love you so much." Tears pricked in her eyes as he moved in her. Again and again and again.

 

He swallowed every sound. Answered every prayer. He held on to her hips and sent them soaring. 

 

~

 

She didn't stop soaring until the TV switched on down the hall. The spell broke. He looked up from between her thighs as she finished shaking with a lopsided smile. She returned it as he wiped his chin. She stretched and sighed happily. But something in her eyes was sad. He pushed up, kissing her thighs and stomach and chest as he moved closer.  

 

"Hey." He pushed his fingers into her hair, cradling her head in his hands. "I'm going to call in sick. I'll get Noah to school." She closed her eyes and nodded gratefully, leaning her forehead against his. "I'll be right back." She wrapped her arms around his neck so he stayed in the circle of her arms awhile longer, kissing her once. Twice. A third time. "Can I get you anything?" He mumbled against her lips. She kissed his cheek and nipped his ear.

 

"I think I'll be okay." He slipped out of bed to put on some clothes. She wrapped up in his shirt again and got beneath the covers. Noah came running in like clockwork. He pitched himself on top of her. Knowing she was feeling badly, he said nothing, but kissed her cheeks and laid his head on her chest. She sighed and buried her face in his curls, feeling better already.

 

"Are you staying home?" Noah asked with a yawn.

 

"Yep. I'll be right here when you get back.

 

"Can Rafa and I get donuts for breakfast?"

 

"Only if you make dinner. Healthy dinner. Lots of celery." He giggled.  

 

"Deal."

 

"Did I pack your lunch last night?" She wondered out loud.

 

"I did." Rafael answered, returning with a smile. "Let's get you dressed, amigo."

 

The boys were out the door in 20 minutes. Olivia got out of bed. She took a hot shower. Changed. Stripped the bed and put on fresh sheets. She fired up the Keurig and took a cup of coffee back to bed with her, finding herself deeply relaxed. There were some text updates from Finn. Nothing terribly exciting or urgent. She tapped her phone against her knee for a moment before searching for a phone number.

 

"You've reached the Carnation House, my name is Elyse Carlson. How can I help you today?"

 

"Hi Elyse, it's Olivia Benson." Some papers rustled and a door shut on the other end of the line.

 

"Olivia. It's so good to hear from you. How are you?"

 

"Good. Very good, thank you. You?" Her fingers twitched. Why was she nervous?

 

"Never enough hours in the day, but I'm alive and well. We're in the middle of processing a stack of grants. We just had our first fundraising gala. I was vastly unprepared for that bullshit." Elyse laughed at herself. "So…how can I help you this morning? Housing or therapy?"

 

"Actually, I was wondering if that position we discussed was still open." Elyse dropped something heavy sounding and sputtered, sounding mildly shocked.

 

"Hell yah it is."

 

~

 

Rafael returned with an armful of supplies anyway. Soup. Crackers. Pepto Bismal. Wine. The checkout lady looked at him like he was crazy.

 

He found her dozing. Half empty coffee mug on the side table. Wet hair drying and curling against the fresh white linens. His heart skipped a beat when her eyes flickered open and closed again, granting him a lazy smile. He pulled off his polo. Dropped his jeans. He lazily folded them both and tossed them on top of the dresser before getting back into bed with her. He strung kisses up her bicep, from elbow to shoulder.

 

"Feeling any better?" She nodded, smiling again. She nuzzled up against him.

 

"I have a job interview." She whispered, as if letting him in on a secret. He kissed her. She laughed inanely, opening her eyes and stroking his cheek. She took a deep breath. "I think it's time to change."

 

"And how does that feel?"

 

"Incredible. Terrible." 

 

"It hurts to become." He quoted, playing with the ends of her hair. She scanned his face. Warm eyes. Pink cheeks. Soft smile. Stubble.

 

"What's that from?" He shrugged.

 

"Poem, I think." He used a tress of her own hair to tickle her nose. She pulled a face and pinched his cheek. He kissed the bridge of her nose. Her chin. Her upper lip.

 

"Do you read a lot of poetry?" She teased. 

 

"Recently."

 

"Tell me something nice." He snorted.  

 

"You're going soft on me." He said. 

 

"Forgive me. I skipped breakfast." They laughed. He kissed her again. Slow and lingeringly.

 

"Every morning I wake up next to you happier than I was the night before. I was in a dark place. But now I'm here with you. And I'll be here with you every step of the way. Whatever you need. Wherever you go."      

 

                                 

 


	5. Joys

She was actually, genuinely, surprised. She walked into Forlini's to meet Rafael for dinner only to find the entire bar filled with familiar faces that all cheered and yelled when she walked in. Noah came sprinting out of the hoard and threw himself in her arms as Fin walked in, getting an equally riotous greeting. There was a banner in the back:  _Happy Trails Benson & Tutuola. _Oh no. 

 

"Holy shit." Fin grinned as Carisi immediately handed him a drink. The men embraced and slapped each other on the back. Amanda hugged and kissed both Fin and Olivia, Jessie perched on her hip. 

 

"We couldn't let our Sarge and Lieu go at the same time without a good party." Carisi said with a big dopey grin. Olivia didn't realize tears were rolling down her cheeks until Noah wiped them away. 

 

"You guys-" She croaked, shaking her head and biting down on her lip. She had turned in her gun and shield today. But now it was real. Fin put his arms around her shoulders and gestured to the other two. Jessie and Noah shrieked with laughter as they were squashed in the middle of the squad's embrace.

 

Someone put on some music. The detectives fell apart. Melissa Warner swooped in to congratulate them. There were myriads of handshakes from good NYPD friends. Rafael finally appeared, handing her a dry martini as his mother held out her arms to Noah.

 

"Congratulations Olivia." Lucia beamed. "Rafi told me all about your new job. I think it's so wonderful. I mean, this was to…" She gestured around the room. "But you are something special to this community and I think you're really going to grow." Olivia was momentarily speechless. Rafael slipped an arm around her waist and pulled her to his side, beaming proudly. 

 

"Thank you." Olivia said. 

 

"And since you're so close to Bronx, I'll finally have somebody worth taking a lunch break for." She winked.

 

"Mami." Her son chastised her, despite Olivia's genuinely elated looking expression. Lucia pulled a face at him before giving them both rough pinches on the cheek and forehead kisses.

 

"Noah and I should get going."

 

"Oh?" Olivia sputtered on her drink. 

 

"We're having a sleepover with Jessie, Mama! Ice cream and movies and-" Lucia slapped a hand over Noah's mouth, much to his amusement. 

 

"Shhhhh mijo. What they don't know won't hurt them." 

 

"Be good for Lucia, No-No."

 

"Yes Mama. Love you." He reached an arm out for Rafael too. "Adios a-meeeee-go. Te amo!"

 

"Adios mi amor." They watched Lucia collect Jessie and go about her way. Rafael cupped Olivia's face in his hands and kissed her deeply, uncharacteristically affectionate in such a public place. 

 

"Hi."

 

"Hi." She laughed. "Did you do all this?"

 

"I suggested it. And then Carisi lost his mind." He kissed her again before leading her to sit at the bar with the squad. She sat on a stool. He stood behind her. She leaned on his chest and tried not to bawl.

 

The brass was appointing a new Lieutenant to make themselves feel better, but Amanda was going to be the new Sargent. Carisi was senior detective. He did a brilliant job training the 4 new junior detectives. Things were looking bright for SVU, despite their losses. Tonight was about celebrating it all. Food and drink was plentiful. Everyone was laughing. There were a half dozen toasts. One of Fin's buddies from narcotics roasted him in front of everybody. Munch and Cragen arrived in time to welcome them both to the _Old Man Club_. They made framed certificates for it and everything. Warner had lots of stories and pictures from the 90s. Carisi and Rollins said more than a few words, neither able to keep dry eyes. Dodds gave a surprisingly warm speech and presented them with plaques and gold watches for their service. 

 

"Let me know if the pension office gives you any trouble." He shook both of their hands, firm and smiling, and then left.

 

"Holy shit." Olivia said, giving up trying to keep her mascara from running. Finn reached over to squeeze her arm.

 

"We're gonna have a standing breakfast meet, Liv. Don't worry." She slipped off her stool and wrapped her arms around his neck.

 

"I couldn't have done this without you." She said. He was a constant. A touchstone. A brother.  

 

"You ain't leaving my speed dial. I'm ain't leaving yours." He reassured her. "T-ball, baseball, basketball, theatre, clarinet, dancin'- whatever the little man ends up doing, I'm there. Whatever you need, I'm there."

 

"Same for you." She agreed. He pulled back, tucked hair behind her ear.

 

"By the way. Out of all your workplace souvenirs, he's my favorite." He nodded towards Barba, who was bickering good naturedly with Carisi about god knows what. Olivia snorted.

 

"I could say the same thing about Melissa." Warner was sitting down the bar, talking to Fin's son and his husband but looking at Fin affectionately while doing so. He threw his head back and laughed. "We're doing the right thing, right?" She finished her second drink.

 

"Hell yah we are. Any regrets?" She realized the sinking feeling in her gut had all but vanished. She felt good. Really fucking good. 

 

"None." They grinned, the weight of several worlds falling off their shoulders.

 

~

 

The party went on till the wee hours. Olivia found herself stumbling out into a crisp night with Rafael around 1 in the morning.

 

"Want to get a hotel room?" He asked as they stood idly on the street corner. He wrapped his arms around her waist and dropped a kiss on the side of her neck.

 

"Did you trash the apartment?" He snorted and pulled up to look at her.

 

"Cleaned it actually. But if you wanna do something special-"

 

"Home." She said, slinging one arm around his neck and hailing a cab with the other. "And a bath. That sounds extra special right now."

 

"You're the boss." They stumbled into a cab and stumbled on home.

 

~

 

"Shit- you really did clean." She tore her lips away from his after they collapsed onto the couch. He laughed, putting soft kisses on her cheeks before getting off of her and helping her sit up.

 

"Pour us a nightcap, I have something else for you." She sighed, toeing off her boots and shrugging off her coat. He went back to their bedroom. She padded into their kitchen. When she flicked on the lights she suddenly noticed a vase with a massive bouquet. Pink and white amaryllis blossoms. She smiled, flipping over the card attached to the neck of the vase.

 

_27 brilliant blooms for 27 brilliant years xx_

 

A bottle of her favorite red was already breathing next to the flowers. She got down two glasses as he returned.

 

"If I had known I would be this spoiled…" She turned around to face him, stepping into his arms as he handed over a card. He put kisses on her neck and shoulder as she opened it. Noah had drawn over every inch of the card and envelope with hearts and trophies and medals. On the inside she had been rendered in uniform with a superhero cape on. There was a receipt for three roundtrip airline tickets to Rome. Two weeks. She almost dropped it. "You didn't-" He shrugged. 

 

"When you said you were gonna take a month before starting at Carnation House, I thought we ought to get away for awhile." He slapped the papers down on the counter and kissed him hard.

 

"Thank you." She took in a shaky breath, burying her face in his neck and gripping him hard enough to hurt. "I don't deserve this."

 

"What else could you possibly do to make you more deserving of a little time off?" He said with a bemused smile, holding her close. He ran his fingers through her hair and sucked in a breath as her lips moved along his throat.

 

"I'm delirious and very, very happy. And excited. And a little scared. But I think…this is how I'm supposed to feel all the time." She said, kissing his cheek and settling into a gentler embrace. He rubbed his hands up and down her back, pressing them together. He leaned his forehead on hers. "You never miss an opportunity to stand by me." She fidgeted with his collar. "I did this for my son, but I also did this for you. I love you so much. This is me promising that I'm here for the long haul too."

 

He pressed a hand flat to her chest, flush with her heart. He looked genuinely touched. Enamored. Enthralled. And happy too. 

 

"You are _so_ precious to me." He kissed her chastely. "Thank _you._ For everything."   


End file.
